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Leg in a cast, I find myself using crutches again. A sense of nostalgia from using them at 12 years old for injury on the same leg. A weird kind of reminiscence this is turning out to be.

Aside from the hysterical uproar-laughter when doctor told me there’s a fracture all i did was checkup on ankle pain, there were only deep feelings of peace and a sense of brightness. I’ve been living as the eternal witness for the past few weeks, with every passing day sinking deeper into this living, into for-the-lack-of-better-words “this understanding”.

Every time there is inner inquiry, there are hardly any words able to describe “who is in?”. It is a feeling, a presence, so vast, so light, so  bright, so at rest, melting into the universe, moment to moment, traveling with the flow of Life itself. Something undying, something that is silence itself, an all-pervading presence. Words can only contain something, frame up something, put things in a box so the mind can reason and understand, but this that is lived cannot be aptly put into words. It is the constant, continuous total surrender to what is. It is in this total surrender that everything can spawn out of spontaneity. It is this total surrender that touches everything with a gentle grace and kindness. It holds an immense innocence, meeting every moment with such wonder and freshness.

the-glow

Two days ago we had a 4 hour long inner inquiry meditation of “Who is in?” at Satsanga, the feeling of the eternal witness went deeper into greater clarity. And now this leg in a cast, is a real gift from the universe. There’s no time more right than now, as always with everything.

The reason there was no upset at the doctor’s and why everything felt so…safe, so reassuring, so taken care of, was because of the recognition that the real me, or Spirit, or God, or Being, whatever the word to describe, is not identified with body, thus there is no sense of self. The real I, the I that isn’t the mind’s “I”, so unguarded, so completely vulnerable, so open that there is nothing to lose, there is no one to lose. There is no “I” the mind is pre-occupied with. And as a result, no suffering within. All identities, no matter how sacred, can only bring suffering. Even I am not the eternal witness itself, I am nothingness, emptiness dancing. And at the same time, everything.

As the day went by, the purpose of this gift got clearer and clearer. I witnessed old identities tried to enter, naturally, and cling on, to hook the “I” into it. Identities of a injured person, of a person having to struggle with simple actions that brings feelings of “Because I am injured, it is only natural that others around me take care of me” and “Everything has to be a big fuss, I have to worry about everything”.

A deep presence remains prominent and just observes everything, just looks at everything without judgement. Unhooked. Unidentified. Yet compassionate and understanding to everything that’s occurring, resisting nothing.

flower of life

Traveling around by bus and walking with crutches for long distances proved to be more tiring than I expected. And also a factor of conditioned social anxiety dancing around, stepping in the moment full consciousness slips away, even if a little. To remain at truth, to live as truth, to live as heart, I had to watch my breathing-once it gets messy, consciousness gets messy too. And most of all, simply to melt into the flow of life itself, knowing there is no separation and we are in Oneness-no feelings of self-consciousness steps in.

Moments come when I notice I feel flustered from all the walking, and conditioned old reactions and identities managed to get a claw or two in. The moment awareness is shone, an automatic centering happens within.

This is a great opportunity for the eternal witness to deepen, to be fully lived. Here lies a gift to really go all the way with this living. Huge opportunity for recognition and growth. Still unraveling the potential of this gift moment by moment. But i’m deeply grateful and thankful.

tree

There is always a reason for everything that comes our way. It is always for our highest growth, nothing ever a coincidence. Let us open our eyes, brothers and sisters. Blessings with you all, your hearts to be always full and bright {{ ❤ }} You are loved.

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