We all hit roadblocks every now and then and some we get through, others we get jammed pretty bad for awhile. I just got jammed recently. If you could fathom, in a 1.5 week period i have clocked in 105 hours of time playing a computer game. The last time i did that was years ago. I’ve hit one of Life’s roadblock and instead of battling it through i got blinded and stayed. And the more hours i clocked in, the more unconscious i felt myself becoming, until i became a complete robot. I spent an entire weekend playing from Friday to Sunday and the only rest time was during meal times and watching Gordon Ramsay’s “Hotel Hell” in the process. And then it was back into the grind of the game.
Throughout it all, in the rare moments of awareness, i find myself feeling unfulfilled deep inside and i find myself without joy. The more i played unconsciously, the more my irritability rose. I get fussy and upset at “incompetent” players in the game. The less awareness, the less of a loving heart. I was on a complete downward spiral. Never be mistaken, time wasn’t passing by, days weren’t going by, Life was. It’s not a question of playing games, its the question of the level of awareness i had at all time. For the first day I played with full consciousness but games being games, i slipped into full on unconsciousness after. “It’s not the action thats the problem, it’s the habit”. Everyday i would wake and that was the first thing i’d do. It felt so easy, so easy to just reach over and get zoned into a fun distraction. A distraction from other areas of Life. A distraction from living Life doing things that truly matter to me. My unhappiness rose increasingly. My life, i’ve come to understand and realize, have to be spent in service of others. It cannot be otherwise. I have to feel like i’m making a difference, making someone laugh, smile, happy, feel warmth, helping out, anything that adds more value. Otherwise i’d never feel like i’m doing what i’m here for.
“One day you’ll get sick and tired of being sick and tired” is a common reminder for people. For most people, only in the toughest times, the lowest points, do they get absolute clarity. Like a veil finally lifted from their eyes. And in that infinite moment they experience complete utter silent awareness and everything gets put back in proper place.
After going at it for 105 hours, a few moments ago, i had one of these infinite moments after watching an inspirational true-story video and experienced utter clarity.
I found myself stopping everything, clasping my hands, looking down on the floor and went “wake up”. I took a cold quiet shower to allow the sacred silence to cement. Responsibilities i’ve set aside have been damaging not just me but many. Our actions are like waves. Everything we do, will always affect everyone. What you do may seem like it only affects you but what you do or don’t do, makes a difference to everyone. If you were doing things that truly mattered to you, and fulfilled you deeply, you would emanate joy, and that spreads like a shock wave. If you were reading books, and epiphanies come up, your wisdom benefits the people you interact with. If you are not giving your gift, you are shortchanging the world.
I am reminded, that sometimes, all it really takes, is stopping every single thing and giving yourself permission to be still, quiet for a moment. It is in silence that truth arises. It is in silence that things buried, suppressed and ignored arises. It is in silence that we find ourselves and it is in humble silence that all things are revealed. But many times we don’t want to be silent, because it meant we’d have to take responsibility. Many times we find ourselves reaching for a new distraction, a magazine, a book, TV, games, just anything that will prevent the silence from extending. Anything that prevents us from having to face ourselves. It is in silence that begins the disappearance of mind. It is in the silence that begins the end of thoughts. Because awareness and mind cannot co-exist. One prevents the other. The mind doesn’t want to disappear, so it fights you. It resists.
When golden silence comes near, and we sure do need that every now and then, the mind will have you feel a sense of uncomfort that is at times so subtle you don’t notice it-and go towards a distraction instead. It hides your awareness, your truth, your joy, your heart behind a veil of uncomfort. But it couldn’t be further from the truth. Going past that veil of uncomfort you find total, complete, humbling truth. A place of joy, a place of beauty.
Sometimes we’ve had the veil for so long we mistake it for truth, for us. Like an old car, it may take awhile to start up, but once it does, it’ll be most beautiful.
Within you, passing everything else and straight into your deepest depth lies the deepest peace that no waves can touch, realize it, feel it, expand it. Within you lies the witness, the awareness, Godliness, the real you, where everything happens with worldly understanding and divine’s touch: love.