A morning of spontaenous writing
(Photos from my trip)
I woke up this morning and felt a need to write this observation out as an article. Perhaps for myself to read and contemplate further or for those who feel the same way to understand that it is normal.
For the entire duration of 2013 so far, my time have been both intentionally and unintentionally spent on deep self-discovery, touching on the sides of our humanness and exploration of the corners of our souls.
2013 has been the year where I dipped my toes in the creative side of us, something I’ve never been interested in up till now. Painting, dancing, playing and writing music, gardening, visiting art gallery events, spoken word and dance performances. Some settings had initial bits of discomfort as I find myself in an absolutely foreign setting and types of people. These discomforts provided beautiful space and opportunities for self-realizations, to only get even deeper in comfort and acceptance of ourselves in the end. Out of all these sudden surge of creative activities and witnessing artists in action, I am deeply awed and humbled by the one thing that stayed constant and apparent in every artist. The one essence of soul expression. The one thing that every painter, dancer, musician, performer had in common and shone through between the silence of moments. That body, heart, mind and soul all collided and fused into one thing and that thing fused and disappeared into the Oneness of everything and everything became Now, until Now was no more. Sometimes in watching them I find myself in moments between space and time, where every sound and sight become so intensely silent yet bursting with glorious sounds, emotions and soul.
Dancing, painting, music, performances, all boiled down to the same space brought from meditation. And from all the years of physical activities, martial arts, running, swimming, trekking, nature, cycling and the gym all boiled down to the same space brought from meditation. These things brings us deeply into the aliveness of this very moment. In this very moment our constant mind needs become no more. And it is all so liberating for us. What we need to know is that, this very same moment that stopped space and time can be realized in our everyday lives as long as it is recognized, felt and expanded.
2013 has been the year when I’ve made more peace with myself than I ever have, where I’ve dived deep and dug out the ugly things in myself through meditation. There have been intense moments of release, self-forgiveness and acceptance. The spiritual path is just another term meant to describe self-discovery. It is simply the complete baring of our souls and looking at the deep hellish darkness that exist in parts of us and the things that we’ve done that we wish we didn’t and the light that ultimately pervades everything and the true essence of us. Bouts of cathartic experiences with crying, laughing, yelling, screaming, roaring and facing every past wound, mistake and mending and healing from it. Spirituality is looking at ourselves point blank when it would be easier to turn away. It is when the universe reveals itself to us, and words such as ‘Divine’, ‘All’, ‘Oneness’, ‘Source’ and the all popularized word of ‘God’ are used to describe this presence. When we dig deep, we find God. Not separate of ourselves, not someone seating on a golden throne up in the sky looking to judge or bless people. When we dig deep we experience, witness and feel the Divine as everything, in everything and with everything. It is both without and within. And it is often neither. Duality stops. And with that, the chatters of our mind stops. We feel a full emptiness. We feel a deep compassion, empathy and understanding as never before. And it doesn’t go away. Even in our anger it pervades through. Our anger bouts become shorter, we stop being so frustrated and angry at things, and when we do find ourselves lost momentarily in these emotions, we immediately bring ourselves out of it and apologize both to the party and ourselves. We start feeling the deep humanness and Godliness of everyone and we start to really hear and feel one another. A profound, indescribable sense of non-judgment, acceptance comes through for everything.
The thing is not to hang on to the moments when we have ecstatic divine soul-revealing moments and to be upset when we’re not. All these seeking stops and equanimity arises. The deep recognition that there is the highest light that exists in every moment, bad or good, frees us. And it allows us to be deeply in the situation. This doesn’t mean we become saintly or immune to the throes of our humanness. We actually dive more deeply into it, and feel more deeply. We become totally vulnerable, wearing our heart on our sleeves, baring our souls and speaking in Truth-all while respecting the free will of people, of placing great importance of the well-being of everyone’s hearts and of servitude.
We stop feeling the incessant need to make a point in spontaneous debates or conversation. We stop needing to seem right to the other person. We slow down and recognize in the moments of heated conversations that their heart is more important than us seeming right. We start to recognize that in pricing their heart above needing to be right that we nurture and help them to grow boundlessly more. All while knowing to protect our own hearts.
The difficulty that people experience when they find themselves saying “I am so tired from all the giving” is because they forget that in total vulnerability and lovingness comes also a place and need for the right type of self-protection. There is a very thin but important line. It is the space and line inside where we are able to give our whole selves and still not bring anyone’s emotional pain into our own lives. It is where we are able to feel completely their pain and sorrow, to soothe their wounds and yet not bring any of that into our own lives. It is where we are able to hold the space to listen with great empathy and respect to someone pouring out their hearts, and yet not make their stories into our own. It is when we are so deeply in the very moment until we and the moment are not separate yet there is a very distinct presence of us in the background, viewing everything as purely an observer. It is when we love so deeply, care so deeply, nurture so vastly and still have plenty of room for our own selves. It is when we learn how to say yes and no, with lovingness. That is where balance is understood and held. That is where “God” never gets tired and revitalizes from giving. You and “God” are not separate. There is no two, only One.
And with my “love life”, things have shifted that I hadn’t noticed until I looked at it. For all the moments I’ve had being nurtured and nurturing and tending to people I’ve come to find myself in a different spot. I start to see and feel what love has always been when it is not clouded by our own minds and what commercialization made it to be. My sweet friends ask me about my relationship status and I realize the feeling of fullness in the now. For the past 8 years of my life I have been occupied with the mind of the need to have a partner and for a few years that was all that was important to me. I believed that we weren’t complete until we met our partner. I believed that two completed one. I believe that we were supposed to fill a space in each other’s lives. I believed that we needed one another to flourish. I believed that “Once we have a partner our lives will bloom the way it was meant to”. So I kept seeking, and looking, and yearned and prized for the validation from outside factors. With certain types of male circles, influenced by the current standing of cultures, movies, media and communities, women started to feel more of a quest for conquest. There was always some emotional hollow space that felt like it needed to be filled. And it made me vastly disillusioned and I felt vastly misaligned within.
2013 has been the year when all of these dissolved away by itself. With unexplainable, mystical experiences and encounters with women from different countries became a restoration and re-alignment within. There is no longer any hollow space that we’ve ever needed to fill. Fullness have always been within. Two people coming together is no longer clouded by the mind-crazed belief of needing to complete one another. Two people coming together as wholes and not as halves. Two people who has no need to try to treat the relationship as sacred because they already recognize the sacred that is us. Two people no longer start to project each other’s needs onto one another.
2013 has been the year where I have really felt, listened, understood the essence of beautiful beings, man and women. Our relationships become not for ourselves but for everyone around us. This brings about a feeling of fullness and completeness. Where we no longer feel more worthy only when we have a partner, where a partnership is seen for what it really is. We start to understand and feel that there is no worry or rush when it comes to meeting your mate. When you meet yourself, you meet the universe.
Now a certified spiritual healer and starting my degree in psychology in January, we’ll see where life takes us :) Peace and love to you, sacred one.