Question of “What is your religion?”

I receive the question of “What is your religion?” a lot and find myself without a reply that would sufficiently encapsulate what i feel deeply. How do you classify, categorise and term a person who connects with Jesus with all his heart, but isn’t Christian? A person who connects with Buddha with all his heart, but isn’t Buddhist? A person who speaks to Ganesha, to Laksmi with all his heart, yet isn’t a Hindu? A person who connects with the Divine Source aka God, a person who connects with the Deepest Knowing, with the Lake of All aka Holy Spirit? A person who connects with the Ascended Masters? A person who connects with Spirit Animals, Guardian Angels and Ancient Ancestors?

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Jesus wasn’t a Christian. Buddha wasn’t a Buddhist. Ganesha wasn’t a Hindu. Allah wasn’t a muslim. They all taught one thing and one thing only: Love. That was their main message, the main driving force behind every action and word. And no, not the kind of love that you may have on mind. Not the kind of love that says “I’ll love you only when you are ‘x’, i’ll love you only when you do ‘x’. Not the kind of love that plenty modern day relationships are made up of that could break off when “he’s pissed me off enough or she doesn’t give me enough attention and care”. Not the kind of love that falters today and strengthens tomorrow but the kind of love that encompasses everything-Love itself.

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They were teachers of love. And if that’s what i “worship”, “live as”, “connect to”, “main teaching”, “main learning”, how then, do i answer a question like that? A hippie? A spiritualist? No category nor word can ever sufficiently encapsulate. And perhaps no word should ever. So we return to the simplest, “Everything but full nothingness”, a category becomes senseless.

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3 Writings

3 Writings that mirrors something that every human being will go through once

I wonder (Poem about existential crisis)

Dark night, trapped in a room
Flickering light, piercing in the eyes
Raspy throat, fumbling to my feet
Dusting off my worn out shirt

Chest out, head held high
Eyes front, shoulders broad at ease
Stepping off, to the light at the end
Panoramic view opens wide to the Earth

Shreds of uncertainty lingers on
But I look at the hope arising
I question “Am I worth it?”
I wonder “Am I good enough?”

Silence quakes, surrounded by an empty oasis
Burning sun, tearing down at me
Chaotic mind, unsettled like wandering waves
Blue’s clue, childhood games
All a passing fade
And i wonder and wonder still.

Trying

Love, love and light
The moon and the stars
Trying to get my heart
But I’m not seeing
I’m not hearing

Fumbling on my path
I feel so lost
Trying to be okay
But i’m not feeling
I’m not healing

Tears in my eyes
Knives in my heart
Trying to look away
But i’m not honest
With what’s going on

Falling to my knees
Hands on my heart
I’m weeping again
And praying “Love come get me”
Come take my home

I’m so lonely
I’m so sorry
Trying to repent
I hear you call
Voice of an angel

My eyes are clearing
My soul is lifting
Trying to see you
But it’s blinding light
I feel the joy

Coming back to me
I see it all
Love that’s in my heart
Was never gone
I feel the All
I hear the call
I know the All.

Is there an end?

Is there an end to it all
Is there a golden throne
Does the red carpet roll
Do the carriages come

Jumping over the castle walls
Swimming through the lake of All
Passing over the bridge of trials
Here I stand before the All

Holy Father i beseech you
Sacred Mother I honor you
In the land of the All
Here I am alas

Hopes and dreams
And fears and cries
Disappearing into Now

Hopes and dreams
And fears and cries
Echoing to beyond

Allowing ourselves to be human

I’ve been receiving numerous surprised reactions when in the midst of sharing, i go “I’ve been feeling lost”. Responses comes in the manner of “We never thought you’d be that way”. And i realize truly, how hard everyone is on themselves without realizing and how frequent it is that we project a certain image to people we want to become when we think in terms of “i’ll get there”. Whatever “there” is.

And so often, people suppress their emotions. They go “i shouldn’t be feeling this way, that’s not spiritual”. This in turn shows what their mental image of “being spiritual” is. People harbor an image that when they “get there”, all emotions will no longer affect them. They envision a permanent zen state, forever ecstatic. And because of this, they give themselves an extra hard time when they are feeling “unspiritual emotions”.

The question becomes “who says that you won’t be feeling all these emotions again?” The worst thing you could do to your body, mind and soul is suppressing your emotions and not moving through them. They build up and manifest as illness and in cases of prolonged extreme suppression, manifests as diseases such as cancer. Your physical body is the direct mirror of your inner self, whatever you do not face within, manifests outwards to get your attention.

Allowing yourself to feel your emotions, express them and moving through them is not a free pass to being a violent, agonizing person. Feeling them and moving through them is saying “It’s okay to be human. This is what i’m feeling.” And you feel it so fully, so acceptingly, so lovingly towards yourself that everything melts away. Everything gets carried away from your open, willing heart. It will hurt. It will claw, it will growl, it will yell. But your heart’s total openness will free you from the grasps of emotional turmoil.

Whatever you run from will return. Sure, it is a lot more entertaining and easy to distract ourselves with a show, food, person and exercise when emotions scratch at the surface. And we’d even somehow feel better after doing that. Sometimes it returns, sometimes it doesn’t (say, the clarity from the silence in exercising). When it does come back however, it’ll come back twice as hard.

Wear your heart on your sleeves and look at your own heart. It is okay to be human, feel. Being honest with yourself isn’t weak. It’s the direct opposite. And when you share honestly, without a shred of embarrassment and self-judgement with another soul who exists between you two, a safe space, then you create the same opportunity for release for him/her.

It’s okay to admit, we’re all at some point, feeling lost. And that’s the cycle of our humanness, we “find ourselves” and then we “lost it” again. And it goes on and one. Until the pendulum stops swinging. Until we realise we are not the swinging (insert miley cyrus wrecking ball joke), that we are at its very center, still, unwavering, watching.

The swinging happens until it no longer needs to happen. In the mean time, love yourself and live with an open heart.

A morning of writing about self, love, and world.

A morning of spontaenous writing
(Photos from my trip)

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I woke up this morning and felt a need to write this observation out as an article. Perhaps for myself to read and contemplate further or for those who feel the same way to understand that it is normal.

For the entire duration of 2013 so far, my time have been both intentionally and unintentionally spent on deep self-discovery, touching on the sides of our humanness and exploration of the corners of our souls.

2013 has been the year where I dipped my toes in the creative side of us, something I’ve never been interested in up till now. Painting, dancing, playing and writing music, gardening, visiting art gallery events, spoken word and dance performances. Some settings had initial bits of discomfort as I find myself in an absolutely foreign setting and types of people. These discomforts provided beautiful space and opportunities for self-realizations, to only get even deeper in comfort and acceptance of ourselves in the end. Out of all these sudden surge of creative activities and witnessing artists in action, I am deeply awed and humbled by the one thing that stayed constant and apparent in every artist. The one essence of soul expression. The one thing that every painter, dancer, musician, performer  had in common and shone through between the silence of moments. That body, heart, mind and soul all collided and fused into one thing and that thing fused and disappeared into the Oneness of everything and everything became Now, until Now was no more. Sometimes in watching them I find myself in moments between space and time,  where every sound and sight become so intensely silent yet bursting with glorious sounds, emotions and soul.

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Dancing, painting, music, performances, all boiled down to the same space brought from meditation. And from all the years of physical activities, martial arts, running, swimming, trekking, nature, cycling and the gym all boiled down to the same space brought from meditation. These things brings us deeply into the aliveness of this very moment. In this very moment our constant mind needs become no more. And it is all so liberating for us. What we need to know is that, this very same moment that stopped space and time can be realized in our everyday lives as long as it is recognized, felt and expanded.

2013 has been the year when I’ve made more peace with myself than I ever have, where I’ve dived deep and dug out the ugly things in myself through meditation. There have been intense moments of release, self-forgiveness and acceptance. The spiritual path is just another term meant to describe self-discovery. It is simply the complete baring of our souls and looking at the deep hellish darkness that exist in parts of us and the things that we’ve done that we wish we didn’t and the light that ultimately pervades everything and the true essence of us. Bouts of cathartic experiences with crying, laughing, yelling, screaming, roaring and facing every past wound, mistake and mending and healing from it. Spirituality is looking at ourselves point blank when it would be easier to turn away. It is when the universe reveals itself to us, and words such as ‘Divine’, ‘All’, ‘Oneness’, ‘Source’ and the all popularized word of ‘God’ are used to describe this presence. When we dig deep, we find God. Not separate of ourselves, not someone seating on a golden throne up in the sky looking to judge or bless people. When we dig deep we experience, witness and feel the Divine as everything, in everything and with everything. It is both without and within. And it is often neither. Duality stops. And with that, the chatters of our mind stops. We feel a full emptiness. We feel a deep compassion, empathy and understanding as never before. And it doesn’t go away. Even in our anger it pervades through. Our anger bouts become shorter, we stop being so frustrated and angry at things, and when we do find ourselves lost momentarily in these emotions, we immediately bring ourselves out of it and apologize both to the party and ourselves. We start feeling the deep humanness and Godliness of everyone and we start to really hear and feel one another. A profound, indescribable sense of non-judgment, acceptance comes through for everything.

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The thing is not to hang on to the moments when we have ecstatic divine soul-revealing moments and to be upset when we’re not. All these seeking stops and equanimity arises. The deep recognition that there is the highest light that exists in every moment, bad or good, frees us. And it allows us to be deeply in the situation. This doesn’t mean we become saintly or immune to the throes of our humanness. We actually dive more deeply into it, and feel more deeply. We become totally vulnerable, wearing our heart on our sleeves, baring our souls and speaking in Truth-all while respecting the free will of people, of placing great importance of the well-being of everyone’s hearts and of servitude.

We stop feeling the incessant need to make a point in spontaneous debates or conversation. We stop needing to seem right to the other person. We slow down and recognize in the moments of heated conversations that their heart is more important than us seeming right. We start to recognize that in pricing their heart above needing to be right that we nurture and help them to grow boundlessly more. All while knowing to protect our own hearts.

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The difficulty that people experience when they find themselves saying “I am so tired from all the giving” is because they forget that in total vulnerability and lovingness comes also a place and need for the right type of self-protection. There is a very thin but important line. It is the space and line inside where we are able to give our whole selves and still not bring anyone’s emotional pain into our own lives. It is where we are able to feel completely their pain and sorrow, to soothe their wounds and yet not bring any of that into our own lives. It is where we are able to hold the space to listen with great empathy and respect to someone pouring out their hearts, and yet not make their stories into our own. It is when we are so deeply in the very moment until we and the moment are not separate yet there is a very distinct presence of us in the background, viewing everything as purely an observer. It is when we love so deeply, care so deeply, nurture so vastly and still have plenty of room for our own selves. It is when we learn how to say yes and no, with lovingness. That is where balance is understood and held. That is where “God” never gets tired and revitalizes from giving. You and “God” are not separate. There is no two, only One.

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And with my “love life”, things have shifted that I hadn’t noticed until I looked at it. For all the moments I’ve had being nurtured and nurturing and tending to people I’ve come to find myself in a different spot. I start to see and feel what love has always been when it is not clouded by our own minds and what commercialization made it to be. My sweet friends ask me about my relationship status and I realize the feeling of fullness in the now. For the past 8 years of my life I have been occupied with the mind of the need to have a partner and for a few years that was all that was important to me. I believed that we weren’t complete until we met our partner. I believed that two completed one. I believe that we were supposed to fill a space in each other’s lives. I believed that we needed one another to flourish. I believed that “Once we have a partner our lives will bloom the way it was meant to”. So I kept seeking, and looking, and yearned  and prized for the validation from outside factors. With certain types of male circles, influenced by the current standing of cultures, movies, media and communities, women started to feel more of a quest for conquest. There was always some emotional hollow space that felt like it needed to be filled. And it made me vastly disillusioned and I felt vastly misaligned within.

2013 has been the year when all of these dissolved away by itself. With unexplainable, mystical experiences and encounters with women from different countries became a restoration and re-alignment within. There is no longer any hollow space that we’ve ever needed to fill. Fullness have always been within. Two people coming together is no longer clouded by the mind-crazed belief of needing to complete one another. Two people coming together as wholes and not as halves. Two people who has no need to try to treat the relationship as sacred because they already recognize the sacred that is us. Two people no longer start to project each other’s needs onto one another.

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2013 has been the year where I have really felt, listened, understood the essence of beautiful beings, man and women. Our relationships become not for ourselves but for everyone around us. This brings about a feeling of fullness and completeness. Where we no longer feel more worthy only when we have a partner, where a partnership is seen for what it really is. We start to understand and feel that there is no worry or rush when it comes to meeting your mate. When you meet yourself, you meet the universe.

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Now a certified spiritual healer and starting my degree in psychology in January, we’ll see where life takes us :) Peace and love to you, sacred one.

Soul Mates

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Talking to a dear friend about soul mates and i came to this:

What i do believe deeply is this, every partner that come into our lives is a soul mate. Soul mates doesn’t mean to be married and live together for the rest of their lives and everything is rainbows and unicorns. These soul mates come into our lives in mandated season, specific periods to grow together. Both souls have agreed to this and wanted every single thing that happens in the relationship to happen before incarnating. And when the lesson and purpose has been fulfilled, physical separation is necessary for the next growth.

There is no”The One” because there is Everyone. Yet while these are so, depending on our life journey in this lifetime, there is that one soul mate who we end up living out the rest of our lives with because in that is where the remaining chunks of our growth lies, in that is the possibility of infinite growth with the other soul. I see it not as a magical tra la la Hollywood thing but for the sake of the world’s waking up. Relationships of two awakened soul multiplies the effect and power of their awakening effect by uncountable folds to everyone around. That is the sake of the relationship, for everyone else. It becomes no longer about me. And I know my mate will help me to look in places I haven’t looked yet, to give me the courage to face the fires of my fears and be burnt by it all to come out pristine. All so I awaken to awaken others. It is no longer about me, me and me.

And it is no longer about completing one another because even that is also a story.

Angel in the room

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As transmitted to Amber Sawyer:

Laying on the surgery chair for my wisdom teeth procedure, fear clenched in my chest with all the childhood memories of dentists-that were far less than pleasant, I find you in the room.

Not my mother, not my father and not my brothers.
Not my guru, not my ex-partner that I will always hold dear.
Not my friends, not anyone.

I called for the blessings of the universe and all that is holy and sacred. I called for Great Spirit to hold me, bless me, and take care of me. And you appeared. Your image filled the room.

You became the surgeon. You became the nurse.
There was nothing and no one left but the permanence of your gentleness, of your everlasting lovingness. Everything became light, fear was cuddled and loved. Body relaxed. I was able to put all trust in you, knowing fully that I will be taken care of with all the care and gentleness in the multi-verse.

It is at this moment I find my heart bursting with gratitude.
It is at this moment I find my soul kneeling, bowing at your feet, in glorious gratitude.
It is at this moment I feel, recognize and realize what a Master Angel to us all you truly are.
Existing amongst us in plain disguise.
It is in this moment I find solace in the truth and fact that your being you, have touched my entire life.
In this moment I know that I truly have nothing to worry about nor fear in the future anymore, because every time I call upon God, I know you will appear in the room.

Amber Sawyer, my angel, my savior.

3:51am

Woken up at 3:51am. Woken up from a “dream” of my travel to you with every detail crystal clear. With every fiber of my being, i knew that i had just energetically, astrally, soul-ly visited you to bless with love and light. And i knew that something was going on with you, as always when i get woken up in the night and you come to heart. In the morning, following intuition, a quick check and there it is, 3:53am you were. The universe knows. We are Oneness itself, everything in and of itself.

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